What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 15:13
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is soul school!.
How do you deal with neighbors who are always telling you what to do?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I said to her
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She loved him until the end.
She was in good health!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I couldn’t, believe it.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Especially a lifetime of it.
What did i know ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My life is so biszare .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was seconnd youngest,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were not on the streets..
Who then, do I blame.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My family never makes their pension either.
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We all went to grammer schools
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
She found it foreign!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it wasn’t much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She married twice! .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was very sick at this time too.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It was going to be , some day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Would this be the day?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
When she asked me how she looked .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.